Day 10 was a whirlwind of emotions. Marcus spent the night last night (Tuesday night) so I could be home with Kai. He went to work at 9am and we had the intention that I would come be with Kehlani around 10am. I hated the idea of neither of us being here.

When it was time for me to leave the farm this morning though, Kai could tell I was getting ready to leave and she started to get the look in her eyes- the look she gets when she wants to feel what she’s feeling. She asked if I would play in her sandbox for a little while with her and I didn’t have the heart to tell her, “no.” It was also a wonderful morning to be outside, which I haven’t been outside in a long time, so I also could use the Vitamin D.

We went to the sand pile and began making sand pies. We also had a little picnic on our lawn chair. After the sand pile lost its novelty, we moved on to her swing in our climbing tree. We laid on it like a hammock and I told her stories that I made up on the spot (something we like to do at bedtime). The stories are usually about our horses and include some kind of adventure with a little girl named Kai in them. Every once in a while, we’ll get her to tell us a story. That’s a real treat! 

After telling stories and swinging, she wanted to climb the tree. Her desire to move from activity to activity makes me think of a bedtime story we got from Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library, “I Just Want to Say Goodnight” about a little girl who says goodnight to anything and everything to avoid having to go to bed. Kai was trying to avoid having to say goodbye to me.

Being with her is so rare these days, I wanted to fill up her emotional bank so she could have some mama-time in storage for when she started to miss me. I also needed some Kai time in my emotional bank storage. It’s been unimaginably hard going from seeing my baby girl (Kai) every single morning, day, and night, and now only seeing her every couple days. It’s become very evident that Kai is the person who is suffering and struggling the most with our time in the NICU. Although she is just 3, she understands and processes things like a child much older than herself. Her ability to do that never ceases to surprise me. I’m afraid she has slipped into a depression due to the abrupt changes in her life. Unfortunately, out of the last 3 times I’ve come home to spend a night with her, we have spent 2 of the times (for 3+ hours) in tears together because she acts out in disobedience and then we spend a great deal of time talking, discussing, and crying together. I’ve tried so many times, to convince her that this is temporary and it’s not Kehlani’s fault (although it can’t look like anyone else’s fault in Kai’s eyes). I have an immense amount of guilt that has been weighing me down for the past 10 days. 

Aside from guilt, a lack of control is also something Marcus and I have been struggling with. We have no control over when Kehlani is discharged. No control over her care plan while she’s in the NICU. We have no control over Kai’s feelings and ability to understand why this is all happening. We have no control over my body going into pre-term labor. We have no control but we have an abundance of guilt. It’s in incredibly difficult place to be in right now. I know it will eventually pass, but it’s such a painful place to live in. If you’re one who prays, Kai could really use all of the prayers you’re willing to send on her account. It’s much appreciated.